Friday, December 08, 2006


Well........ In another 3 days this pregnancy will officially become my longest yet. I remember after we became DTC (date to China), I thought that I was going to just sit back and relax. Silly me, I thought that it was going to be so easy.....I'd go about my life and in a few months I would be handed this beautiful baby girl.....I was enjoying the idea of taking on the role of Jeff as it played out in our previous pregnancies! Who knew that this pregnancy would BY FAR be the toughest thing I have ever done in my life. Who would have guessed that being paper pregnant you can still have weight gain, suffer from mood swings that include crying at the drop of a hat (usually when some sad song comes on the radio) and worry and wonder if it is ever going to end. It was so easy when my babies were inside of me, I always knew where they were. I'm not lying when I say that I would gladly give birth 10 times (fully medicated) if that would bring my Ava here.

As time passes, it gets more and more difficult with each passing day. I wonder now more than ever if Ava is okay. Is she warm enough? Is someone holding her when she cries? I think it has been really difficult because in my heart, I feel that she has already been born. I woke up one night in September and had this peace that came over me......I felt that Ava had been born. It may have been that someone had found her and she was finally safe and warm. This Christmas season is very difficult for me even though I have three other children. It is really hard knowing that my daughter will most likely spend her first Christmas in an orphanage. I pray that Ava is feeling loved and that her Aunties will take care of her until her Daddy & I get there. I have to believe that.

So, as of today we have been logged in for 9 months. Are we 1/2 there......God, I hope so. I want my baby girl.


Blogger Dawn and Dale said...

Oh sweet friend!! I want you to have Ava here too!!

This really is soooo hard. Especially the last half of this process. Our babies are being born and we know that they are now struggling in this tough world without us!!

Let's keep praying for them!!

Bless you friend!


2:59 PM  
Blogger Connie said...

I know exactly what you mean...and I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing.

I once thought that Jadyn had been bon too. Now with the wait stretching on I am not so sure. As well, I have worked to convince myself that she has not been born so I can mitigate some of the awful wondering. I try.

To survive, I have been stepping back. This post is the first time I have used her name in days. It's just too hard.

I hope it is true that some day we will not much recall the depth of this painful time. I wish we could at least have some vague idea of when that time will come.

Hug to ya!

3:18 PM  
Blogger Doris & Dan said...

Happy 9 Months. Def. bittersweet. I wish I could give you a big hug! It is the hardest thing and the only solution I have is to hibernate emotionally and physically on some levels.

That question plagues me all the time. I never get an answer and won`t until the referral comes. I hope you are more then halfway there my friend.

Keep smilin!

3:21 PM  
Blogger Kramer said...

Nine months down! I know the days are hard but I know the wait will be worth it a thousand times over!

3:59 PM  
Blogger Nathan & Emily's Mommy (Mary) said...

woohoo....9 months down! congrats! I know the wait is awful, I caved in and emailed our agency to see about other options
hang in there!

4:07 PM  
Blogger Lee-Anne said...

9 down. Fingers crossed there's less than 9 to go?

I soooo know what you mean, about it actually getting harder. Christmas, the New Year, and our Bali trip will be a welcome distraction, if for only a few weeks!

7:33 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Does Happy 9 months even sound right? I am sorry and SO understand the hurt you have in your heart. This wait plain SUCKS and it seems there is no light at the end of the China tunnel. I know we'll all get there someday and yes - we all know it will be SO worth it. FOr now, I wish I had something I could say to make it seem less hurtful...I can't. But we are all in this together. Great big giant hug to you!

9:12 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

During Ashley's Christmas chorus concert, I cried. They were singing Silent Night, and the tears started a-flowin'.
I was listening to one daughter singing so beautifuly, and had no idea the state of my other daughter. It just really killed me deep inside. I have been my typical obnoxious self, singing Jingle Bells loud enough to embarrass my kids as we are pulling into the supermarket parking lot (did I mention the windows are down) I'm going through all the holiday preparations with cheer for my kids, but when alone - man, it hurts. I want my baby.
BTW, have you seen the Pampers commercial where they play silent night, and all they show are close ups of babies faces as they sleep.
I swear to you, if they keep playing that damn commercial I am going to need theraphy - I cry so hard!

9:38 AM  
Blogger tracy said...

9 months down....I agree that this wait is sooo much harder than the other weight. It's a very hard feeling to describe to the "unwaiting" world. I feel your emptiness and I know the pain.

Your not alone and I'm sending up a big hug!

9:54 AM  
Blogger Shannon S said...

Thank you for sharing your heartfelt post. Tears are running down my face. I've been backing away from it all too, but every once and awhile you all let me know it's ok to feel and acknowledge the reality of what's going on 'somewhere out there.'

6:00 PM  
Blogger Made in China said...

I'm a bit late, but HAPPY 9th LID-AVERSARY!! Whoohoo!!

You're catching up to me!

Julie :o)

9:19 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Congrats on reaching the 9 month milestone-wish all we had to do now was get an epidural and push!!!

Everyone says that once they have their baby that the wait is a distant memory...I keep dreaming that I am in China, holding my baby-but I'm still pretty p*ssed off at the powers that be for making me wait so long to get her!

4:35 PM  
Blogger Debbie said...

I know the wait is soooooo hard. We were suppose to be 6 months from LID to travel when we first started and now here we are 15 months later with our little angels picture.

Hang in there.


9:03 PM  
Blogger Shelli said...

Happy 9 months!?

I was ok until I heard that song by Third Day called "Merry Christmas". I became a crying fool.

The waiting and not knowing is shitty. 9 months has to be over half way!

9:05 PM  
Blogger J said...

Happy 9 month !!! As others have already said, we hear your pain. I'm coming up on my 10th month. Can I just get the h*** out of the review room? February is suppose to be a small month so why is it taking forever to get out of the review room?

9:23 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Congrats on getting 9 months under your belt. A new year is on it's way soon and your little Ava will be part of it. Woo Hoo! (wish I could say the same for my Maddy but it's really unlikely)

7:31 AM  
Blogger Dawn and Dale said...

Hey you!!!

Where are you???!!

I miss you!!!

Hope everything is well!

Love Dawn

12:16 PM  
Blogger Krista said...

Bloglines didn't update you on my silly computer so chiming in a bit late...

Happy 9 months down! That is a milestone. But yes bittersweet, too. It's especially hard during the holidays. It's okay to acknowledge it and feel crappy some days. Hang in there.

10:29 PM  

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