Wednesday, September 20, 2006

WAITING WITH CHILDREN

Before you begin reading my post, I would like to direct you to this post from Johnny and then you can return to my blog if you would like to hear my response to Johnny's post.
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Johnny emailed me a couple weeks ago (along with some other waiting gals already with kids at home) and sent us an early addition to a post he was publishing today. I must begin by saying that Johnny's blog is one of my favorites because he sometimes seems like one of the few calm ones in the bunch. Johnny always seems ( I realize looks can be deceiving) so calm about the wait. It's a guy thing, right Johnny? Yep, Jeff is the same way. I was quite honored that Johnny asked me to participate. Perhaps, it is because he feels like I'm a prime example of a woman waiting for my baby (with 3 bio kids at home) that is losing her mind over this never ending wait. Yep, I'm hanging on by a very thin red thread.
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I want to begin by saying that I have given this subject quite a bit of thought during the wait for our daughter. I had actually thought about doing a post about waiting with children vs. waiting without children, but never seemed to get around to it. There have been many times that I will come across a blog of a childless couple that is also waiting for their adopted child. Many times they have chosen to adopt because they have had problems with infertility. I often think, MY GOD, I can't believe all that they have been through and now THIS! It's just not fair! I have had days of MAJOR guilt because I sit here complaining about the wait and I have three beautiful children at home. It MOST certainly makes the wait MUCH easier to handle because I am so busy with my kids. I can't even imagine how much slower time would pass if I didn't have my kids. Why is it then that some days (not ALL) I feel like I'm losing my mind over the wait for our daughter? It's because I have NO control over what could happen. Must. Be. In. Control. It drives my crazy that I am at the mercy of the CCAA and at any point during this process they could decide that we are not suitable enough to adopt one of their beautiful babies. If I was told today that I wouldn't have my daughter for another two years but, I WOULD HAVE MY DAUGHTER, I swear to all of you that I would relax. I love my family and I enjoy my children, BUT I have this never ending feeling that someone is missing. That someone is Ava. I am so in love with this little girl and we have never met. The fact that I have opened up my heart and there is even the slightest chance that requirements for adopting could change, this late in the game, or my fears of China shutting down their international adoption program completely, is what is driving me insane. It is the reason that I have not started the nursery. You see, even if I do already have three beautiful children, I still long for the baby that isn't here yet. Is she already born? I wonder if she being taken care of. I wonder if she is feeling loved. I miss her. It's a mother thing. I also wonder why it is that everything has to be such a big secret. Why is it that our agencies can't pick up the phone and call the CCAA and be told approximately when referrals are being sent and an approximate date of the cut off and pass it along to the waiting families? Why do we still have to wonder why things really slowed down and wonder if there is a chance that things will ever pick up again? That my friends, is the reason that some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's a control thing. It's the unknown. It's a mother that is missing her baby.

14 Comments:

Blogger Melissa said...

I went over and read Johnny's post then read yours.(I don't usually follow his blog)
As a mother waiting with 3 bio kids at home, I could have written your post word for word.
My husband is just "chilling" while waiting for our Ava. I'm....let's just say, "NOT chillig"
It is in a mother's nature, her whole being to need to be with her child - know that they are being taken care of. I don't just feel - Oh well, since I have these 3 kids keeping me soooooo busy, I don't think about, worry about, physically ache for my 4th. Not at all. So we don't have the "right" to be having a hard time with this unexpected lengthened wait time. It is insulting to even think that.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Doris & Dan said...

It is hard with or without munchkins to keep you busy.

The desire to have your little one supercedes everything. A constant part of life and thought. All I do now is for her. My future daughter but imminent nevertheless.

Keep smilin!

11:15 AM  
Blogger Johnny said...

Thanks for your posting Lisa. I needed to get varying opinions from varying people to see what their pulse was on the subject.

Good thoughts.

2:57 PM  
Blogger Shelli said...

Lisa, I am actually the person who posted that comment or one VERY similar on Johnny's friend's blog. I went back to search her archives for the topic that I commented on - unable to access her archives. If I remember correctly, the post was about changing countries due to the extended wait - maybe the increase in changing to SN. Not 100% sure - obviously I haven't been dwelling on it. My comment was in no way a response to the friend's post, but to several other commenters. Sorry if SHE took it that way.

Do I believe that the wait is more difficult for parents without children at home? I can't answer that. I don't know. What I do know is that I long for a little girl somewhere in China. Because I have 2 biological children, I should desire her less? Interesting...

Personally, I have tried to keep my complaints regarding the ever extending wait to a minimum on my blog. It is what it is. Nothing I can do to change it. I certainly don't wallow in self pity. However, there are days when I do get sad. I'm not pissed at the CCAA - they are doing what they feel is in the best interest of their children and the adoptive parents. It is hard for people to see it that way. It doesn't make the wait easier for any of us. Lisa, I can so relate to the control issue, being a control freak myself.

Yes, my children keep me busy! Hell, life keeps me busy. I love being with my kiddos and they bring me the greatest joy. But, someone is missing. I worry about certain issues affecting the adoption. I worry about not knowing what to expect in the upcoming months. Does the wait or adoption encompass my entire life and being? Absolutely not! But, waiting for Ayden and wondering about her is a part of my life. I make no apologies for that or for the comment I left on the friend's blog.
In a way, some aspects of our lives and plans have been put on hold due to the wait - financial, vacations, moving - that applies to all of us. I am still living and loving life!

I certainly do not begrude the people that will receive expedited referrals. I do get in a snit when certain people act so condescending to those of us that have no idea when our referrals will come in or to those that the wait is especially difficult for. Please spare us...

Maybe Johnny should have asked the commenter her thoughts on the subject?

***Thanks for allowing me to vent on YOUR blog!

5:37 PM  
Blogger Dawn and Dale said...

That was such a great post Lisa!! I'm nearly in your same boat with 4 at home...but I miss my Annaliese just as much as everyone else misses their little ones in China.


Thank you for your wonderful thoughts on this.

Bless you,

Dawn

6:41 PM  
Blogger tracy said...

I read Johnny's and then yours and I have to agree with Melissa, I could have written that post. I love and adore my 3 bio children, but someone is still missing and that's our daughter. Sure I go about our day to day life, making lunches, fixing dinner, giving baths, carpooling to sports, but my daughter in China is never off of my mind. I ache for her, I want her home, safe and sound where she belongs.

I usually like reading his posts, but I'll probably just take him off my list because of his ignorance....maybe it's just a guy thing.

9:03 PM  
Blogger Lee-Anne said...

Oooo, when I read Johnny's post, I thought... hmmm, this should get a few people riled up!!!
I remember when I was trying to get pregnant (it took a while) with both my bio children. It consumed me. So why wouldn't an adoption consume me?
I've purposefully tried to be more involved with my bio kids, to enjoy the time, rather than resent it.
Time... once it's gone, we can never get it back.

12:19 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Lisa and Melissa,

I agree with you guys 100%! It doesn't matter if you have 4 bio kids at home that you love more than life. If someone is missing, then someone is missing! I'm crying in my dishwater every other day over the whole unknown, out of control situation. And, on top of it all-I HAVE GUILT for feeling this way with 4 kids already at home and wonder what is wrong with me??? I've had a draft-post on my blog for months on this subject trying to sort things out...This thread on various blogs has been refreshing for me. Once again, I'm not alone. Love, love, the blogosphere!

2:01 AM  
Blogger Connie said...

If I have the 'someone is missing feeling' waiting for my first with nothing to compare it to, it would make sense that I would have it with the expectation of a second child or more.

Everyone can be so different, with or without kids, in how they cope with the wait. It stinks for ALL of us and I never have understood the 'my pain is worse than yours' contest that sometimes takes place.

Thanks for this post.

7:32 AM  
Blogger David said...

Hi...my wife and I have no kids, and our LID is 8/16/06, so we've just begun our wait.

I, like you, know it can be difficult waiting for the child, and the hard part is that it is so up in the air. Even with LID: we had online pals who were DTC a week AFTER us and got a LID a week BEFORE us...it was so puzzling trying to figure out why and how that could happen.

What I've concluded, though, is that we can sit and analyze, guess, predict, read "rumor sites," and freak ourselves out with every whisper in the email, or we can try to distract ourselves. I think ultimately allowing ourselves to be whipped into a frenzy with rumors is slightly self-abusive.

So...what to do to fill our time? Read blogs!

Hang in there...enjoyed your post!

9:58 AM  
Blogger Frances said...

Hey, this has nothing to do with the subject at hand... just wanted to say that 6 months after our last homestudy visit I still haven't got my report and the social worker wants to go over how we're getting along w/o my step-son in order to finish it...

1:21 PM  
Blogger C2 said...

As you know, this adoption will be our first child. I think that no matter what our situation is at home, we are all struggling with the loss of control that has been dealt to us with the recent happenings, or lack thereof, at the CCAA. That pain is very real and very frustrating, no matter whether you have 3 kids, 10 kids, or none. Those feelings are the things that bind us together, no matter what your scene at home, or what other implications/ expectations this adoption has created for you and your family. Focusing on that should be our main goal with each other, supporting one another through this tumultuous wait.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Kim M. said...

Nice post Lisa. I don't know how many times I have had these exact thoughts. I worry about those who don't have children yet and how hard this wait is for them. I'm busy and the kids are too! It doesn't make the wait any easier it just different.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Your post really cleared some questions up for me. I have to be honest and say that I often wondered why people with children at home were having such a hard time with the wait. It seems to me that they know what is coming and what will come so this should be a little easier. I never realized the missing hole so many of you feel.

For ME, I have delt with the unknown for so long this just seems to continue that feeling. By the unknown I mean the waiting every month to see if maybe this month things will work. To go through that month after month for years is draining, both physically and psychologically. Doctor visits, tears, treatment, and waiting were such a part of my life that this waiting seems possible. At least now I finally know that with this wait there will be a child.

I sometimes think that it is easier for me to wait because I have never had control of a pregnancy. I never saw my belly grow, or felt a child kick, I don't know what it is like not to wait.

I will continue to wait for the day I meet our daughter. I know that day will come. Until then I am enjoying meeting so many wonderful people. Making new friends, and learning a whole lot from parents who have BTDT. :)

I hope this post makes sense. I don't want it to offend anyone. It is just my feelings to this issue, and I hope you don't mind that I used your comments to put them out there.

3:21 PM  

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